Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Weight of the world

Most normal people, whoever or wherever they may be, would boggle at my want for half of a well planned out thought in my head. I am finding more and more that forgetfulness is evading my brain and I find myself doing silly things. Like calling the grocery right after I leave to ask them if they would please hold the smoked sausages for me, that I just forgot in the self check out.

I am also getting very tired and stressed. Meltdowns have been getting far less often and in less intensity, except for the last two weeks. Wednesday seems to be the day for the long drawn out screaming, kicking and flailing sessions. Last week he had no speech therapy, his therapist had gone on vacation. Going back this week we sat in the waiting room and Connor couldn't keep his eyes off of another little boy in the room. The little boy walked over to Connor and as soon as he reached out to touch Connor, the boys mother gets a little panicky. "Don't now, be easy. Leave him alone he is sitting there being good!" She squawks as her son does joint compressions on Connor's head and by accident sticks a finger in his eye.

I wait calmly to see if this is what will send him in to flight mode. He sits there rubbing his eye and making small attempts to get free of the stroller. The speech therapist shows up right on time, I set him free and he walks with her hand in hand. When he sees we are going to her room it is too much. Aggravation followed so quickly by disappointment sends him over the edge and he collapses onto the floor.

Half the session is over before he calms down and participates. I sit in front of the door to bar escape and brush my arms and hands. My face, arms and hands are scratched, my hair pulled, and my shoulders popping. My feelings are hurt and my heart in pieces about what he must be going through to do such things.

When we leave he is perfectly fine as if nothing has happened, so I head to the store to pick up forgotten sausages and get pull-ups. He was a perfect gentleman in the store until we head to the exit and he sees "APPLES!"

"Honey we have already checked out and we have apples at home." Have to be told no sometimes, right?

I wrestle through the parking lot trying to keep my toddler from diving head first out of the cart, hold on to the groceries he is trying to throw out, and stop the contents of my purse spilling out. Once he is in his car seat and everything is calm enough to pull out, I can't find my keys. I check the bag, I check my purse 15 times, I check my pockets over and over. I stand behind the car looking at the ground to see if I dropped them. I can't find them. I sit in the drivers seat and let my shoulders slump. pop! pop! pop! They attempt to place themselves correctly.

I want to scream or hit something. I want to cry, but I wont. I am the adult here I have to figure this out. I have to buck up, get him back out of the car and go find these keys.

"OK, now that you have calmed down. Would you like to go get an apple?"

I found my keys in the cart he tried to escape from, and he was happy as can be with a 3/4 pound Fuji apple. I do fear I forgot to get some Aleve. Maybe I can order by mail?


Jeni said...

Ah yes, shopping! Such a fun event -sometimes. Lately, it is listening to a never-ending litany of "Wan see the peoples; wan see the kids; wan see the mom and the dad and the kids and the puppies; wan see the feets." And on and on, anything she spies that she can name becomes part and parcel of her list of what she absolutely MUST see while shopping! Some days it's fairly easy to ignore but on others, it just truly grates to hear all that, in that whining tone of voice too that indicates I am about ready to go into a kicking, screaming, throwing, hitting little girl and there's not diddly squat you can to do stop me either! So there! It will get better - that's what they tell me anyway.

Suzy said...

Oh, my friend. I am so sorry you are going through this stress.
Take deep breaths and know that people have you in their hearts and minds.


Crystal Jigsaw said...

Meltdowns/paddies, goes with the territory. I feel for you, sweetheart. Amy used to have the most awful tantrums when out in public and I got so fed up with telling everyone, "so sorry, she's autistic." In the end and still now, I just ignore other people and concentrate on getting through the struggle. Take care.

Crystal xx

Casdok said...

I know the feeling all to well.
But i also know we get through stressful patches, and grow stronger. Till the next one!

dgibbs said...

Jeni - Thanks and yeh I know it will, just one of those days.

Suzy - Thanks I am in "Ohm" state as we speak.

Crystal - I'm afraid if anyone would have looked at me and I had noticed....well I would be glad I didn't have any free hands. Thats not the type of sign language I need him learning. :D I'm kidding I wouldn't do that. But I do just like you concentrate on the struggle.

Casdok - Very true!

Rising Rainbow said...

I'm sorry that sounds like a really bad day. I'm sure some are better than others. It's no wonder you feel the weight of the world.

Self employed mum said...

Well done, not finding the keys would have tipped me over the edge. Stay strong x

Jade said...

Yeah...thats definitely a tough situation to be in. Whats the worst part is is the fact that you never know what going to be the "set off" so public outings can be a bit anxiety provoking. I do "community building" exercises with one of the families I work with. Every Saturday I go to their house and mom, me, and son go out into the community working on both his behavior and her methods of staying calm and as relaxed as possible in whatever situation we're in. One thing mom and I realized is that when out, mom doesnt breathe like she should be, which causes a domino effect. Lack of oxygen can cause anxiety tension, and headaches amongst other things. I know its hard in the moment but maybe thats something you could stay mindful about when you're out and about. And I'm sure you've tried already, but maybe bringing some sort of re-enforcer for good behavior might help during times like these? Just some thoughts...all of which Im sure you've gone over yourself..

Sending ya lots of positive energy and any extra patents I have ;-)

Jeni said...

I'm back - with a question. You mention here a "pressure vest." How do you go about getting one? Is this prescribed by a doctor? Is it something that is the parent's choice type thing or whatever, how do you go about finding out about getting one? Is it covered by insurance or by some other thing or do you purchase it and how expensive are they?
What ever information you can give me as to why you use it, how you got it, etc. E-mail me at -- please.

Michelle O'Neil said...

I have been there so many times. Great job calming down. Those damn elusive keys!!